My Portion

I just want to say thank you Lord for this blessing to be poor. Thank you for the honor of being weak and needy. Thank you so much for being my portion.

Today Lord I'm fully aware that my life is not for this world but for you. This world is so empty without you Lord. My life is so empty without you. You've given me so much in Christ. Lord would you help me to know what you have given me. Open my eyes and free my mind so that I may look upon you.

Lord I feel so empty... help me to know you. That I may know my portion and praise you for giving Christ. Lord would you take everything away that I would not be distracted by worthless things. Lord break me more... put the plow to any hard soil within me. As much as it may hurt it does not compare to the pain I feel from living apart from you. Lord would you uproot anything that is not good for me. I don't care how attached I am to it... Lord would you please remove it cause I know that though it hurts it doesn't compare to you.

Lord you are my portion forever. Purify my wants and my desires. Let them be completely on you. Lord let me never with one arm hold you and with the other cling to things of this earth. You deserve so much more... you are worth more to me than that. Lord let me never settle for less than you. Would you create in me a clean heart. In your jealousy would you aggresively persue my heart. Let nothing be left alone. Let no stone be unturned until your work is complete in me. I don't care how tired I get, you are so worth the effort. Though this tent be torn my home is with you in heaven.

Lord you are my portion forever! You are so beautiful... my eyes have yet to have laid upon you and yet I am so in awe of you. My heart can barely waite to see your face. Oh Lord be gracious to your servant and let the light of your countenance shine upon me. I can't live without you... I can't see me without you.

Lord you are my portion forever! I will waite on you and you alone. Christ you are worth the wait. YOU are worth the wait, would you keep my expectation in you. That in all things that I'd desire you above all else. In my job, marriage, children, parents, friends... whatever there is in my life may it be filled with you. For without you they are empty and mean nothing.

Lord you are my portion forever. I want to know you. Grant your child this one thing, that I would know you.

Today I'm surrendering my life to the Lord. Everyday is a choice to surrender... some days things are going well and are pleasing to the eye. In those days it is easy to surrender to God knowing he is good. I'm in days where things aren't pleasing to the eye. Surrendering to God has brought me to where I am and my flesh likes to question/build an arguement against the Lord.

Right now I have a financial obstacle that I cannot overcome. I'm virtually trapped at my house for most of the day due to lack of a car and I don't have a legitimate job. Instead of complaining about this or worring about what I have to do, I'm going to submit to him as my provider.

Being in my worst poverty ever I've come to understand how he is my provision and my portion forever. Though I have physical needs that have yet to be met, I can live like a king in his Kingdom. His kingdom is not of this world. It has nothing to do with having a working car or having enough money to buy nice things. It's all about him... he is the center piece. I can enjoy riches fit for kings yet I am poor and suffer need. No matter where I am at I can always enjoy him.

I know that my poverty is not a lack of God's care, but an instrument by which God thrusts me further into him. So I will take these places where I lack and, in prayer, I'll submit to the Lord's work within me. Christ spoke of a cost to being his disciple. If we want to truly find our llifes we must first lose it for his sake.

So tonight I submit and surrender to the Lord's goodness knowing that he is good to those who trust in him.

Eternally Yours

You formed the mountains with your eternal Word.
With that Word you bring peace and life to me.
Your right hand holds me as your spirit forms soul.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours...

You are the light that I follow.
You are the grace that I lean on.
You are the love that fills me.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the shelter for the weak and weary.
A fortress for the poor and the helpless.
Grace for our weakness you are strong.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the fortress I hide in.
You are the rock I stand upon.
You are the delieverer who saves me.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You take me to the banqueting table.
Your banner over me speaks of love.
Take me to your chamber and romance me.
You are enternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the apple of my eye.
You are the beloved I embrace.
You are the lover I long for.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

Christmas

If you would of known me three years ago. You'd be rather surprised. I really am not the same person. Christmas was all about getting a lot of gifts. This year I could care less wether or not presents were under the tree or not. My favorite part was getting to see my two lovely sisters together at the same time.

This morning I woke up with this longing to unwrap the gift that this season is all about. Christ... My first thoughts today was about the glory of Christ living in me. Such a beautiful gift. There is so much to unpack and unfold in Christ.

Then my heart ached for my family. Not to say that I am any better than them. I'm just fortunate to have been shown the truth. There is so much glory and beauty in Christ. TV shows, a lovely Christmas tree, beautiful stockings... are nothing but empty things that leave you disastisfied. I long for my family to taste the fullness of life in Christ.

He completes us... we were made to walk with our God, without him we are but shadows of who we really are.

Daily Battle

I don't think a day goes without me feeling that longing in my heart for the one God has called me to walk with. It is a God given blessing to have this. It is not only a good drive to pray for that partnership, but it also has a constructive purpose within your heart to prepare you for the actual relationship.

My original response to these feelings was despair and guilt. I somehow got within my mind that these feelings were a result of me not finding contentment in the Lord, but when you think about it... Adam, who wasn't fallen yet, had Eve. God saw that it wasn't good for him to be alone. He saw it good for him to have a help mate. So Me, who has been set free from sin and is beeing set free, is kinda in the same boat yah know.

Upon learning this I've come to terms with the fact that this longing is 100% natural and good. So instead of fighting the ache, I've learned to embrace it as a God given blessing. Knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for these feelings; Not to tear me down, but to construct something beautiful and amazing... something that will give him glory.

Instead of causing depression within me, it now produces thankfulness and praise. Knowing that when me and her are together physicaly, I'll be praising him for every time I felt that ripping pain within. I'm going to praise him for every girl that I've liked and was "denied". I'm going to praise him for all the tears shed, for each aspect of this storm has been orchestrated so wonderfuly to produce a marriage full of his glory and kingdom.

So take joy all you who are single and suffer this daily...

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed in us."

No more condemnation!

If anyones been around me the past coulpe of days, maybe even weeks, have seen me with a heavy heart. This has come a lot from me not being satisfied with Christ. The majority of my bondage has come from the condemnation I'd put upon myself for struggling with the problems that I have. I'd litteraly say to myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be content in the Lord?." Which really didn't help anything out at all. When we speak and believe that condemnation over ourselves we begin to bind ourselves to those issues. Does that make sense? We begin to produce an atmosphere of unbelief and hopelessness cause we put the burden upon our shoulders instead of God's.

I accepted the Lord as my savior, not as my coach. He is the muscle that produces the results. Whether it'd be plowing the soil, sowing the seed, watering the seed, or even producing the fruit. It is all his work within us. We get the privledge to come into agreement and rest within that work.

His finished work in redeeming us, frees us to do what we were made to do. That is to be fruitful, multiply, fill, subdue, and rule. Our old selves are physicaly incapable of doing any of that, but our new selves created in Christ Jesus have been made free from the power of sin and death to subdue sin and death and reign over them in life.

So when we begin to see problems arise or things out of alignment within us. The best thing to do is thank God for revealing the problem and pray for him to bring our minds back in alignment with reality. It is absolutely silly that we begin to beat ourselves up for making a mistake. God isn't doing that... why should we? God says that he holds no condemnation over us. I think that he in fact takes joy over us when we finally begin to understand that we cant do it. Luke said that God is like "Good job Robert your finaly getting it. Now get over it."

So take joy when you face adversity for God is on your side and is mighty to save. He wants you free and he wants you to reign in life more than you want to. Thank and enjoy what God is doing and be patient for what he is going to do.

There is a man,
bracing for the daily grind.
Completely unaware,
He was made to reign in life.

She's crying out,
about to give up everything.
blinded from the strength,
That's just a prayer away.

What is wrong with the world today,
believing all these lies.
We need to find reality,
in truth that is in Christ.

I'm going to finish this later... got to go to school.

The Black Spot

I had a vision that I was having dinner with the Lord. Somehow while eating I got a black sopt on my pure white clothing. Embarrassed I started trying ot wipe it off. The more I scrubbed the more it spread. Eventually the black was everywhere. On my hands, face, and all over my shirt.

Completely distraught I just look at the Lord and begin to tear up. The Lord leans over and with one wipe makes me and my clothing pure white again.

I'll let you figure out the meaning. :)

Enough

I am so tempted to break into my old apartment and look my friend in the face and tell him how it is. This is what I'd say...

Stop this pretending,
let down your weary walls.
I know that you are hurting.
That you are so miserable.

Why do you labor,
for what can't satisfy.
You were made for more,
than these temporary highs.

My heart aches for you,
to know the living hope.
that can bring healing.
closure to all of your pain.

God can give you more,
than this world can offer.
He has so much in store,
beyond your imagination.

So stop this pretending,
let down your weary walls.
I know that you are hurting,
that you are so miserable.

Renew Me!

Standing here in my weakness and failures I am in awe of the love of God. God blow my mind away. Would you take what I deem impossible and rock my world with your sovereign power. I truly am like clay in your capable hands.

Would you mold my mind so that I would think they way you do. That I would perceive reality instead of facades built from lies. Lord would you purify my eyes that I'd look upon things with love and compassion instead of condemnation. Lord would you create in my a clean heart full of love stirred with your kingdom instead of full of selfish desires. Lord may my countenance be full of life and light instead of heavyness.

My life is in you capable hands. Lord you give and you take away; blessed be your name! Take away that which is not of your kingdom and may your kingdom come and your will be done. I love you Lord. I believe the impossible is possible with you!

Who i really am

Standing before you,
back from my sin.
Stumbling with words,
thoughts raging within.

Lord I'm crying out,
speak to me now.
Let me know who I really am.

Lord I'm dying inside,
drowning in my sin.
Let me know who i really am.

You have made me righteous,
set free from my sin.
You have made holy,
a new creation from within.

My heart is aching,
waiting again.
trapped in my mindsets,
lies causing me pain.

Lord I'm crying out,
speak to me now.
Let me know who I really am.

Lord I'm dieing inside,
believing all these lies.
Let me know who I really am.

You have made me righteouse,
set free from my sin.
You have made me holy,
a new creation from within.

Mind of Christ

We have been given the mind of Christ, and with that comes the ability to tap into it whenever we want. His thoughts can become ours. I often have trouble with ragging thoughts that often lead me down paths in my mind that produce death and can often ruine my day. Through Christ and in Christ I have a mind after the Spirit of the living God. This can fill my day with life and ultimately produce his knigdom not only in my life but in the lives of those around me.

Today I want to enjoy that gift.

Changing "Directive"

God's been renewing my mind quite a bit this morning towards where I'm at in my life. Instead of thinking that where I am at is simply a place derrived from my mistakes or my accomplishmets, I'm beginning to view it as a place that God has placed me in for a specific purpose.

The whole underlining purpose for the reason why I'm where I am at is to change the focus of my heart from things of this world to Christ.

With this in perspective I begin to see things with hope and life. The fact that I'm broke is more than a simple "I'm not working enough" but a tool by which God is freeing me from the love and dependency of money so that I would love and depend upon him. The fact that I'm single is more than "I am not attractive" but a tool by which God is freeing from finding security and identity in having someone to finding security and identity in Christ. The fact that I have a lot free time is more than a simple "I'm lazy" but a tool by which God is using me to establish things from the spirit into the physical for my friends and family. The fact that I'm living at home is more than a simple "I can't make it out on my own." but a tool by which God is stirring me to pray and intercede for my family.

I pray that today, whether through pain or blessing, that the "directive" of our hearts would be changed more and more from this world to Christ.

Rest and Recieve

I was sitting here staring at a ball of fur I like to call "brat" but most of you would know it as a cat. So I'm sitting here thinking that all of creation speaks of his invisible qualities and began to wonder about what these brats might be speaking to me.

Well, all they do is lay around the house. I mean what a lazy bunch of free loaders. They don't pay one ouce of rent nor do they prepare their own food. All they do is recieve... and dish out a couple of scratches from time to time.

I was thinking about how I am in Christ. How I'm like those cats... well I don't really have someone poking me until the hair on my back stand up but you get the point. All I have to do is rest and recieve. I am bought and paid for and I belong to God. He's a wonderful shepherd and an awesome Father. He will provide for my every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

What a life!

Making Lemonade

Enjoying my sweet ride today I began to realize some things. My car has a weird noise to it. Sounds almost like a ricer. Enough to think I tried to fabricate the noise. As I began to think about that I noticed that my windows have really cheap tinted windows. Not to mention the fact that I have my radio loud cause I don't want to hear the new sounds popping up as I drive my car.

So here I am driving down the highway with my radio loud, windows cheaply tinted, and my car sounding like I did something to try to make it sound cool. I couldn't help but laugh at it all. I wonder how many old people have already labeled me a punk. ^_^

My new blue jeans pants, handed down to me from my dad, fit a little loose. I usually wear a 36 waiste and these pants are a 38. Enought for me to have to hike them up every now and then. I really don't have a belt to hold them up yet so they kind of sag from time to time. That's a nice addition to my image. Thank God I don't have any over sized jerseys and flat billed hats yet.

The whole point of this post is basically me having fun and enjoying what God has given me. I really do believe God has a sense of humor. God has provided for my needs, and for that I am thankful. I might not want lemons, but since God has given me lemons... I'm going to enjoy what he has given me.

Living and Active

Right now, if you have recieved Christ as your Lord, God is working within you. You are sitting at the right hand of the father in Christ, and God is pouring out his spirit through Christ into you. Christ is interceding for you, the Spirit within you is praying and interceding with moaning and groaning you cannot understand... all of this is going on right now!

If some of you are like me, you feel pretty dull right now. Some of you might be hurting... others might be filled with peace and contentment. Some of you are feeling pretty let down right now. Some of you feel distant and lonely.

I invite you to, through whatever you are feeling, avail yourself to the Lord. He will speak to you, change you, comfort you, guide you, quiet you, move you, love you, bless you, and meet whatever other need you may have. HE IS LIVING AND ACTIVE. He is not distant but is right here within you and he has the ability to change you. All you have to do is avail yourself to his Spirit and let him do the work within you.

He is doing something right now even as you read these words. You have the opportunity to ignor it, or seek after it as a precious jewel. I pray that you do the later of the two.

Still Providing

Mat 6:24-33 "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I joked about this with my friend but... I have only one pair of jeans. Couple of weeks ago I ripped that last pair of jeans helping someone move. I'm starting to rip holes in my only shirts as well as my list of clothes are growing dimmer and dimmer. The other night I was taking off my favorite shirt and heard it rip as I attempted to take it off gracefuly. As of today all I've got is a pair of sweats and two pairs of shorts(one of thems basketball shorts). I remember nights in my apartment when I'd go to bed hungry cause I couldn't afford to put food in the pantry.

He said he would clothe me, and provide for my every need. Is he still doing this? Well... I'm not walking around naked yet so I'd say yes! Life is more then clothing. I don't live to look nice... so I see nothing wrong with my situation at all. My car may be falling apart but I can still get from A to B.

Since when did we ever need more than that? When did our lives become dependent upon nice clothing? When did it become dependent upon having a car that doesn't have a scratch in it? Since when did all these things become so important that people look in pity when you don't have them?

What is wrong with us? Our God provides... who are we to complain about what he gives us? I mean seriously we are sick in the head!

Stop Wasting your life!

That's what I secretly hear people preaching to me. Saying that I need to get a better job. Saying that I need to start "testing the field" if I ever want to be married. Here is to all the voices that say I'm a bum. I DO NOT LIVE FOR THIS WORLD. I'd be waisting my life if I spent every waking moment working and studying. I am called to be there for my friends and with my friends. They are my ministry. I absolutely refuse to get a job that will remove me completely from them. I am not called to do that. I would rather live on the street then live for myself. I am going to wait for the Lord to provide a wife. I am not going to go around and try to date every woman that I can find. I am not going to rely on my charm and my good looks (if I even have them) to produce a wife. I will minister unto the Lord today cause I have time to. I am going to minister to my friends cause I have time to. I am going to serve others in their need cause I have time to. I will not fall for the ways of this world. I am not bound by the unwritten rules of what I "should" be doing for a guy my age. I do not live to obtain wealth... my world does not revolve around finding a wife and having a family. Sure those things will come in time, but I am not going to lay down what the Lord is wanting to do for the sake of trying to obtain them. I lay down my agendas for the sake of following the Lord. I will not lay down the Lord's agendas to obtain wealth and a family. I will worship the Lord my God alone. I will not worship having a woman... I will not worship having a wife. Finally... if I am going to waste my life... I will waste it upon him.

Rejoice

Rejoice all you who are going through trial. Rejoice all you who suffer need for your God has not left you. His love has lead you here for a reason.

Fall arrives and the leaves die and the trees are barren. You must pass through winter to find spring. Then the trees will bare their fruit in abbundance once again.

From when the sun sets to the sunrise... God is with you through the night. God is working things for the good even in seasons where the stalls are empty... and you go to bed hungry.

God is good and is going to bring us through this.

For you who are not in trial... be blessed! Enjoy what God is doing.

For those who are in trial... be blessed! Enjoy what God is doing.

No matter what we are going through God is doing a good work.

Losing Confidence

Today I am less confident in my ability as a minister than I was a year ago.

That makes absolutely no sense right? I mean I know more scripture. I've recieved a ton more revelation. I am by far more mature as a son of God than I was a year ago. I have done a lot of ministering this past year. I have found out what I'm called to do, and I fill the role well (not boasting in self).

I mean come on, what is wrong with me? I should be way more confident in my ability than a year ago right?

Well... something that comes with growing is a growing awareness of your need for him.

This frees me to be humble and truly view others as better than myself. In this God has an open door to use me to affect people.

Living the Dream

I am living the dream life. I have no money in my wallet right now. I still live with my parents. My cars roof leaks, trunk won't latch, and the windshield wipers don't work. My woredrobe is by far limited... and on top of this I have certification tests piling up due to lack of funds to pay the testing fee.

The best part is that despite all these things I know and are coming to know my God. I live daily in his presence, and he guides my steps. I am free from worry, fear, and doubt when I am underneath his wings. I, on a daily basis, have access to love that will overwhelm me every time I recieve it. I have found the feasting table and my soul will never grow hungry again. I have found the spring in the dessert and my soul will never go thirsty again.

We are all aware of the incompleteness that humanity deals with. I have found the one who completes me and he will never leave me nor forsake me. Instead of shame he gives me a double portion.

I am living the dream!

The cancer of Self

Something that has been really evident in my walk this past week is the death of self-centeredness. Wow, that sounded so much better in my head. My articulation skills need some work...

Anyways, Christ was the perfect example of what we were made to do. The Word says that there is no greater love than a man laying his life down for his friend. For less poetic terms... being a servant. We are also told in 1Cor13 that love is not self-seeking. I've probably read that verse a thousand times and said "Amen" but never really expirienced the truth of that until lately.

I've been drowning myself in self pity. For less poetic terms... complaining about life. Which, as a matter of fact, life cannot possibly be better right now. I have been to so manny friends weddings and so many of my friends are falling in love. (Bible does say to rejoice with your brethren right?) I cannot stop seeing the goodness of the Lord towards my friends. It's absolutely amazing. I remember a time when I'd be leaping for joy (litteraly) about these things. Instead I've focused on what I have recieved lately.

When all you think about is yourself... your missing it. It is better to give than to recieve. It is better to give your life away than focus on making it better.

Every time I look at myself and center my world view around that... I reap (sp?) nothing but death.

So lately I've been getting addicted to this concept of giving your life away... tis so much sweeter for the soul. For less poetic terms... right on!

Made in the image of God

My sister had her baby a couple of weeks ago, and might i say it was the cutest baby I've EVER seen. I'm hoping after I get married and my wife has a child that it would be at least half as cute.

Anyways... that little baby is made in the image of the living God. This world only expects her to grow up, make money, and obey the laws. Fortunately for her there is a much higher purpose and calling.

All I know is that there is so much more to who we are and what we were made for than these daily routines. This creation is growning for the manifestations of the sons of God. I don't know much but I do know that God has called us his sons. If all of creation is groaning for our manifestation then perhaps we aren't living up to what we were made for... or perhaps we just don't know who we really are.

One step at a time, God will lead us into our destiny... trust, believe, and rest.

Mighty one the Lord

Right now I feel safe. I'm in a boat with the Lord, and he has command over the waves that buffet this ship of mine. No matter how high the waves get or how hard the wind blows... he's mighty to save.

His Son

His Spirit testifies to our spirit that we are sons of God. To me that is so awesome! Take the time and just meditate on what it means to be God's son.

Yesterday I was struggling that morning recieving God's forgiveness. My mouth started filling with words and my mind racing with thoughts, but the Lord's only responce was placing a finger over my mouth to quiet me and a kiss on my forehead to calm my thoughts.

Standing there I just stood there at complete peace in his embrace, and he gave me a vision. It was a vision of me stumbling towards him after getting beat up by this world, and him running to me to embrace me. Not one ounce of anger was on his face as he gave me a hug picking me up and swirling around bursting with joy saying this is my son! Without shame or hesitation he said that I was his son.

After that he took off my dirty robes and clothed me with new ones, and put a ring on my figher. Accept this ring went on my wedding finger. 

Hope and Pray

I will continue to walk through the fire in hope that one day God will make beauty from these ashes. Until he does... I will continue to stand in faith. I will stand until I die or he does his work... whichever comes first. I didn't choose this path cause I thought it was going to make this life better. It has in fact made my life hard... but I decided to walk down this path cause I fell in love with the Lord.

I hope and pray that one day I will see the goodness of the Lord with my eyes, and not just by faith. I keep saying this season of pain has an end but it just keeps lingering on. I pray that the Lord will do his work within me, however long it takes...

Today I will spend the whole day studying in humble servatude to my savior. He has given me this path for a reason and I will not forsake it for selfish pleasures.

I don't understand why I am the only one this way... but I pray, if it is my weakness that causes me to hurt the way I do, that the Lord would fix me. If it is not than I pray that the Lord would sustain me through this time. 

Steps For Change

Step 1: Admit you have a problem. "I am self-centered."

Step 2: Repent. "I don't want to be self-centered. I was made to have you at my center."

Step 3: Ask for forgiveness. "Lord forgive me for all these days wasted on focusing on myself. Would you change my stubborn heart."

Step 4: Forgive yourself. "..." I'm working on that.

Who are you?

In responce to the enemys lies...

Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you to council the Lord in his judgements. He has deemed me righteous, holy, and free. Who are you to tell me that I'm unloveable when the Lord loves me. Who are you to tell me that I'm a wretched man, when I am the righteoussness of Christ? Who are you to tell me that I am bound to my sin, when I am free in Christ Jesus? Who are you to say that I am unwanted, when I am accepted in the beloved? Who are you to say that I am defenceless, when the Lord is my strong tower? Who are you to say I am worthless, when God is jealous for me? Who are you to tell me that I am forgotten, when the Lords thoughts of me are more than the sand on the sea shore? Who are you to tell me that I am unable, when I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? Who are you to tell me that you're impenetrable, when the gates of hell will not prevail against me?

I find that I see myself less than what I really am cause I believe the lies of the enemy. It is time for me to stand confidently in who I really am.

Walking stumbly on these shadow feet

Every time I put my shoes on I notice a little more how much they have worn down, knowing it's only a short while until they end up just like every other pair of shoes I've ever bought... broken and torn up.

While growing up I was in a wonderful group of friends, but now we have departed on different roads of our choosing. Today I have college, and I know that eventually it will fade away in a soon to be distant past.

I'm on my third vehicle, and my second cell phone... all of these too will fade away into just another memory.

I have amazing friends now... who knows where the Lord will lead us. I hope that it is in the same area, but I'm not going to pretend to be ignorant of the fact that God has different plans for us all. I know that what I have now with you guys, this ability to hang out like we do, will some day be a past memory and God will have me in different fellowships meeting their needs as a servant of Christ. I thank him that we are all in Christ and never that far in the spirit, but we will not always be physicaly there for each other.

I've learned that what I have physicaly here on this earth will fade away, but only he will remain. He's the only thing steady and constant throughout the passing of time.

Right now it feels that each step I take, in the physical, feels like a mere shadow in comparison to eternity with him.

A call to war!

This morning I woke up from a terrible dream. The dream was an obvious direct attack on the specific sensitive areas in my life. The Lord stirred within me to go to EHOP and lay those areas before him afresh.

When I got there I was pleasantly surprised to find Janis (sp?) there. Of course I was struggling against those lies, and was actually hoping for a prophetic word (is that wrong?). Instead I got a call to stand up again. She pretty much told me to continue to pray and walk out in submission to him. Something I've already been doing...

Sometimes I find that when something isn't producing immediate fruit I want to think there's something I'm missing. Something that would speed this process up. I tend to not want to hear about having to do what I've been doing, cause that means I'll have to be diligent and wait for the change to happen. I'm a sucker for an easy way out.

But once again I'm called to fight and press forward. When I get knocked down, I just have to get back up and fight again. Even if that means doing it over and over and over again. One day all this prayer, and all these times of submission and yielding will bare fruit unto his glory. Till that day comes I'm going to continue to chipping away at the enemy's strong holds.

Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God

I'm finally starting to see a plant sprout up within my heart from all this prayer. I finally feel free enough to say that I just want to seek the Lord without second guessing myself.

This whole finding a girl thing is so exhausting and confusing. I am convinced that when the Lord sees fit to bring a girl into my life I'll leave it up to him to do that. As for me... I'm going to put aside my feelings towards this one girl and seek the Lord's face.

I'm just not interested in having to pursue a girl... it's just not what I'm made to do.

I was made for more!

I wake up this morning with a deep longing. I look around at my life and feel so unfulfilled. I look at my future career and what I have to look forward to, and I realize that it's impossible to find the fulfillment that I'm looking for.

What good is it if all I live for is money, a woman, family, and friends when I leave this place? What satisfaction is there for living for what I see? I was made for more! We were made to live for more than ourselves.

Christ has opened my eyes towards eternity, and what I see today just doesn't cut it for me.

I want him!

Not in Control

I'm starting to like this whole "not understanding" thing. It's a nice indicator for me that I'm not in control of my life.

I'm on a journey to only God knows where, and I'm riding shotgun.

The best thing is that I'm already convinced that I don't know what I'm doing so I'm even more driven to surrender all to him. He has always been faithful and always will be faithful. I just have to be patient enough to let him work. ^_^