My Portion

I just want to say thank you Lord for this blessing to be poor. Thank you for the honor of being weak and needy. Thank you so much for being my portion.

Today Lord I'm fully aware that my life is not for this world but for you. This world is so empty without you Lord. My life is so empty without you. You've given me so much in Christ. Lord would you help me to know what you have given me. Open my eyes and free my mind so that I may look upon you.

Lord I feel so empty... help me to know you. That I may know my portion and praise you for giving Christ. Lord would you take everything away that I would not be distracted by worthless things. Lord break me more... put the plow to any hard soil within me. As much as it may hurt it does not compare to the pain I feel from living apart from you. Lord would you uproot anything that is not good for me. I don't care how attached I am to it... Lord would you please remove it cause I know that though it hurts it doesn't compare to you.

Lord you are my portion forever. Purify my wants and my desires. Let them be completely on you. Lord let me never with one arm hold you and with the other cling to things of this earth. You deserve so much more... you are worth more to me than that. Lord let me never settle for less than you. Would you create in me a clean heart. In your jealousy would you aggresively persue my heart. Let nothing be left alone. Let no stone be unturned until your work is complete in me. I don't care how tired I get, you are so worth the effort. Though this tent be torn my home is with you in heaven.

Lord you are my portion forever! You are so beautiful... my eyes have yet to have laid upon you and yet I am so in awe of you. My heart can barely waite to see your face. Oh Lord be gracious to your servant and let the light of your countenance shine upon me. I can't live without you... I can't see me without you.

Lord you are my portion forever! I will waite on you and you alone. Christ you are worth the wait. YOU are worth the wait, would you keep my expectation in you. That in all things that I'd desire you above all else. In my job, marriage, children, parents, friends... whatever there is in my life may it be filled with you. For without you they are empty and mean nothing.

Lord you are my portion forever. I want to know you. Grant your child this one thing, that I would know you.

Today I'm surrendering my life to the Lord. Everyday is a choice to surrender... some days things are going well and are pleasing to the eye. In those days it is easy to surrender to God knowing he is good. I'm in days where things aren't pleasing to the eye. Surrendering to God has brought me to where I am and my flesh likes to question/build an arguement against the Lord.

Right now I have a financial obstacle that I cannot overcome. I'm virtually trapped at my house for most of the day due to lack of a car and I don't have a legitimate job. Instead of complaining about this or worring about what I have to do, I'm going to submit to him as my provider.

Being in my worst poverty ever I've come to understand how he is my provision and my portion forever. Though I have physical needs that have yet to be met, I can live like a king in his Kingdom. His kingdom is not of this world. It has nothing to do with having a working car or having enough money to buy nice things. It's all about him... he is the center piece. I can enjoy riches fit for kings yet I am poor and suffer need. No matter where I am at I can always enjoy him.

I know that my poverty is not a lack of God's care, but an instrument by which God thrusts me further into him. So I will take these places where I lack and, in prayer, I'll submit to the Lord's work within me. Christ spoke of a cost to being his disciple. If we want to truly find our llifes we must first lose it for his sake.

So tonight I submit and surrender to the Lord's goodness knowing that he is good to those who trust in him.

Eternally Yours

You formed the mountains with your eternal Word.
With that Word you bring peace and life to me.
Your right hand holds me as your spirit forms soul.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours...

You are the light that I follow.
You are the grace that I lean on.
You are the love that fills me.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the shelter for the weak and weary.
A fortress for the poor and the helpless.
Grace for our weakness you are strong.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the fortress I hide in.
You are the rock I stand upon.
You are the delieverer who saves me.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

You take me to the banqueting table.
Your banner over me speaks of love.
Take me to your chamber and romance me.
You are enternal and I am eternally yours.

You are the apple of my eye.
You are the beloved I embrace.
You are the lover I long for.
You are eternal and I am eternally yours.

Christmas

If you would of known me three years ago. You'd be rather surprised. I really am not the same person. Christmas was all about getting a lot of gifts. This year I could care less wether or not presents were under the tree or not. My favorite part was getting to see my two lovely sisters together at the same time.

This morning I woke up with this longing to unwrap the gift that this season is all about. Christ... My first thoughts today was about the glory of Christ living in me. Such a beautiful gift. There is so much to unpack and unfold in Christ.

Then my heart ached for my family. Not to say that I am any better than them. I'm just fortunate to have been shown the truth. There is so much glory and beauty in Christ. TV shows, a lovely Christmas tree, beautiful stockings... are nothing but empty things that leave you disastisfied. I long for my family to taste the fullness of life in Christ.

He completes us... we were made to walk with our God, without him we are but shadows of who we really are.

Daily Battle

I don't think a day goes without me feeling that longing in my heart for the one God has called me to walk with. It is a God given blessing to have this. It is not only a good drive to pray for that partnership, but it also has a constructive purpose within your heart to prepare you for the actual relationship.

My original response to these feelings was despair and guilt. I somehow got within my mind that these feelings were a result of me not finding contentment in the Lord, but when you think about it... Adam, who wasn't fallen yet, had Eve. God saw that it wasn't good for him to be alone. He saw it good for him to have a help mate. So Me, who has been set free from sin and is beeing set free, is kinda in the same boat yah know.

Upon learning this I've come to terms with the fact that this longing is 100% natural and good. So instead of fighting the ache, I've learned to embrace it as a God given blessing. Knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for these feelings; Not to tear me down, but to construct something beautiful and amazing... something that will give him glory.

Instead of causing depression within me, it now produces thankfulness and praise. Knowing that when me and her are together physicaly, I'll be praising him for every time I felt that ripping pain within. I'm going to praise him for every girl that I've liked and was "denied". I'm going to praise him for all the tears shed, for each aspect of this storm has been orchestrated so wonderfuly to produce a marriage full of his glory and kingdom.

So take joy all you who are single and suffer this daily...

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed in us."

No more condemnation!

If anyones been around me the past coulpe of days, maybe even weeks, have seen me with a heavy heart. This has come a lot from me not being satisfied with Christ. The majority of my bondage has come from the condemnation I'd put upon myself for struggling with the problems that I have. I'd litteraly say to myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be content in the Lord?." Which really didn't help anything out at all. When we speak and believe that condemnation over ourselves we begin to bind ourselves to those issues. Does that make sense? We begin to produce an atmosphere of unbelief and hopelessness cause we put the burden upon our shoulders instead of God's.

I accepted the Lord as my savior, not as my coach. He is the muscle that produces the results. Whether it'd be plowing the soil, sowing the seed, watering the seed, or even producing the fruit. It is all his work within us. We get the privledge to come into agreement and rest within that work.

His finished work in redeeming us, frees us to do what we were made to do. That is to be fruitful, multiply, fill, subdue, and rule. Our old selves are physicaly incapable of doing any of that, but our new selves created in Christ Jesus have been made free from the power of sin and death to subdue sin and death and reign over them in life.

So when we begin to see problems arise or things out of alignment within us. The best thing to do is thank God for revealing the problem and pray for him to bring our minds back in alignment with reality. It is absolutely silly that we begin to beat ourselves up for making a mistake. God isn't doing that... why should we? God says that he holds no condemnation over us. I think that he in fact takes joy over us when we finally begin to understand that we cant do it. Luke said that God is like "Good job Robert your finaly getting it. Now get over it."

So take joy when you face adversity for God is on your side and is mighty to save. He wants you free and he wants you to reign in life more than you want to. Thank and enjoy what God is doing and be patient for what he is going to do.

There is a man,
bracing for the daily grind.
Completely unaware,
He was made to reign in life.

She's crying out,
about to give up everything.
blinded from the strength,
That's just a prayer away.

What is wrong with the world today,
believing all these lies.
We need to find reality,
in truth that is in Christ.

I'm going to finish this later... got to go to school.

The Black Spot

I had a vision that I was having dinner with the Lord. Somehow while eating I got a black sopt on my pure white clothing. Embarrassed I started trying ot wipe it off. The more I scrubbed the more it spread. Eventually the black was everywhere. On my hands, face, and all over my shirt.

Completely distraught I just look at the Lord and begin to tear up. The Lord leans over and with one wipe makes me and my clothing pure white again.

I'll let you figure out the meaning. :)

Enough

I am so tempted to break into my old apartment and look my friend in the face and tell him how it is. This is what I'd say...

Stop this pretending,
let down your weary walls.
I know that you are hurting.
That you are so miserable.

Why do you labor,
for what can't satisfy.
You were made for more,
than these temporary highs.

My heart aches for you,
to know the living hope.
that can bring healing.
closure to all of your pain.

God can give you more,
than this world can offer.
He has so much in store,
beyond your imagination.

So stop this pretending,
let down your weary walls.
I know that you are hurting,
that you are so miserable.

Renew Me!

Standing here in my weakness and failures I am in awe of the love of God. God blow my mind away. Would you take what I deem impossible and rock my world with your sovereign power. I truly am like clay in your capable hands.

Would you mold my mind so that I would think they way you do. That I would perceive reality instead of facades built from lies. Lord would you purify my eyes that I'd look upon things with love and compassion instead of condemnation. Lord would you create in my a clean heart full of love stirred with your kingdom instead of full of selfish desires. Lord may my countenance be full of life and light instead of heavyness.

My life is in you capable hands. Lord you give and you take away; blessed be your name! Take away that which is not of your kingdom and may your kingdom come and your will be done. I love you Lord. I believe the impossible is possible with you!