Broken

Last night when I got home I beat my fists in intense frustration upon the steering wheel of my car. This was immediately followed by wheeping...

I'm so broken right now over this mountain that will not move. My heart aches daily for the woman God has promised would walk with me as a partner. My "mountain" in essence is having faith and patience to wait for that time. There is a purpose that is beyond my understanding for why God has placed me where he has. I'm in the perfect place for God to form Christ in this part of my life. Dealing with pockets of the old Adam that doesn't seem to want to leave.

Last night was not a golden momment in my life. I spent an amazing meeting warring against the same old bitterness and frustration that trys to rise against my friends and God pertaining to my singleness. I left that meeting frustrated and angry about my struggle, while others talked about how awesome and intesne the presence of God was.

This is why I pounded my fist and wept last night... I want this fight to be over. I want God to be glorified in this area of my life. Yet again last night I struggled with a fight that has lasted for several years now.

God sang this over me...

I... I have heard your cries
don't sleep in fear tonight.
I am with you.

I... will come and heal your land
help you understand
I love you.

As I wept and prayed yesterday my spirit was stirred with the verse "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy" Psalms 126:5

Walking out the Sing Life.

Something I've noticed is that desire for a partner drives me to one of three places. As a side note I don't think this is just a guy thing but can hopefuly be applicable to women to.

One place that I almost always fall into is this place of self examination."Ok, what is wrong with me." I'll start nit picking at how I look and act. Which is really stupid, cause really is nothing wrong with me. When I begin doing the check list of all my flaws it's pretty easy for me to begin to worry about how women think about me. Instead of being myself I begin to be who I think they would want. Which creates a fake me that people can see through in a heart beat.

If you strip this issue down to the chassie you see that it's simply just a problem of unbelief. God says that I'm fearfuly and wonderfuly made. Also I mean I'm made for only one woman... so who cares if some women think I'm not attractive. I was designed by God to be married to one woman and to give myself to one woman. If I truly believed this 24/7 and walked with this revelation I wouldn't worry about "what is she thinking" or have to over examin things. If I just simply be who God's made me to be then the one he's made me for will find me attractive. I garuntee that if you have faith in this you will walk with a sense of security that women look for in a man and men look for in a woman. Of course the essential perspective is not to try to be attractive to draw someone in, but to have the posture of faith as you let God bring you the person in his timing.

Another place I've notice is that this can drive you to is desparation. I don't know about you but this is the biggest off switch for me. If I see a girl trying to "sell" herself to me I imediately want to run away. This ins't just in words but in how she acts. It's really fake and unattractive and is easily seen through.

Something that is really hard to swallow sometimes, especially when you "dig" someone, is that you cant create something that isn't there. Song of Songs says "Don't awaken love before it's time." This is entirely true. Us men cannot go about trying to stir up and manipulate a womans heart to like us when it's just not there. If you really want to be with the one God's called you to be with, you need to sit back take the closed door as a blessing and have faith that God will awaken love in the heart that is meant for you. If you try to force it you can either a) end up in a relationship that is yuky or b) push the girl even farther away. You need to have patience when love isn't there when you desire it to be and pray.

Something that God has really be driving home to me is that this desire for a partner drive you to a place of prayer for the one instead of chasing after every girl or guy that walks in front of you. When I look around at my friends who have such a rich heritage in the faith, and how blessed their lives are by a solid foundation of prayer laid out by their parents and grandparents. Seeing such a wonderful example of the power of prayer drives me so much to pray for her and our partnership in the Lord. In essence when I do this I'm partnering with the Lord in preparing the way for that relationship. That all those possible places would be made smooth, and all those possible crooked places would be made straight. That every mountain that would try to arise be laid low and every valley be raised up. Through submitting to the Lord in patience and prayer in this time of loneliness I'm doing just that. Right now though my emotions are so frustrated by this, my spirit is rejoicing cause I'm establishing such a solid foundation of Christ and rich blessing of God's kingdom in that marriage before it ever happens.

So take faith all who are in similar shoes as me. Who desire a partner and have no open door in this season. Take faith and submit to what the Lord is doing in the now to prepare you for that. Through this you are blessing your partner more than you can comprehend.

Finally this whole thing needs to be taken from it being centred on self and shifted to centred on Christ. This relationship is about taking care of your loneliness but God's kingdom being advanced.

Simply Trust

I'm the kind of guy that really enjoys saying those profound phrases. You know... the one liners that can really change minds about things. So I often fish around in my mind for perfect words that would form that one sentence with the facade of wisdom and deep thought. I think sometimes I have those one hit wonders (at least in my opinion) but most of the time I spend my conversations fumbling around with words. Failing quite often at articulating even the simplest of emotions or thoughts. This often somehow confuses me and I have a hard time putting my finger on what he's doing.

Tonight I had a well spring of emotions and thoughts stirring inside me. So imediately I started fishing in my head for words that would profoundly proclaim what God is doing inside me. Nothing...

The plain and simple answer says it the best... trust God. That is what God is doing within me. He's teaching me to trust him.

I think we complicate things in trying to make everything seem so deep and important. I feel God saying "Keep it simple stupid." with a big smile on his face.

A Chante in Perspective

I first off want to say that I am incredibly blessed to see so many God orchastrated relationships. Never could I have imagined seeing what I see every day in my friends.

I use to have such a bad perception or position about these relationships. Everytime I'd see one of these relationships I turn inward and selfishly complain that I don't have it right now. Sometimes I'd even grow bitter towards those new couples, not wanting to be around them at all. Most of the time though I'd get really discouraged which can sometimes lead me into a sense of hopelessness

The Lord has done/is doing a powerful work within my heart about this. Today at Ehop I was sitting there looking around at all the wonderful couples and I began to be encouraged. Instead of seeing spoiled people (let's face the fact that we all are) I see brothers in the Lord that I've prayed with in the midts of their struggles with women now walking in confidence and security with the person that they are pretty much going to marry. Some of my friends that I've prayed with are already married and one has a kid on the way (Matt). I remember standing in Matt's driveway praying for each other over the very thing that He is walking out right now. I am so incredibly encouraged by that. I mean these are men that have struggled and pressed for the woman they were made to be with and are now seeing the answer to the prayers. Instead of seeing people enjoying what I'm waiting for as if it was getting rubbed in my face... I see God testifying his faithfulness to me. I think daily God is telling me through these amazing relationships "Here is my garruntee that I will take care of your need".

This also encourages me to trust in the Lord and wait on him all the more. Tobi said something that I really want to amen right now. These relationships that I see that are SO AMAZING are that way cause they are God's will. These people have sought the Lord and surrendered to him and his desires for their life and are reaping the fruit of it. I could right now probably find me a girlfriend and get rid of my singleness but what's the point? Not only will that be a waist of my time it will also suck really really bad. It will not at all measure up to the fullness of what God made relationships to be.

So I just want to say thank you to these couples. Thank you Jesse and Matt. Thank you Sam and Weaser. Thank you Paul and Chelsea. Thank you Spencer and Amber. Thank you Luke and Savanah. Thank you Tyler and Molly. Thank you Teddy and Ellie. Thank you Russ and Megan. Thank you Chuck Norris and Rachel. You all have been such amazing examples to me and I am blessed to witness you guy's be such great testimonies of Christ and the Church. (There are other relationships but I'm tired of writing thank you lol)

Decietful Heart

Jer 17:9 "The heart is decietful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

This has been an ever increasing reality to me. This past couple of weeks my heart has been a lot like the dog from "Up". It really doesn't know it's up from it's down. It is constantly unfocused and often easily dis GIRL!... distracted. It's so much like a raging beast when not in proper alignment with God.

I think "just follow your heart" or any other reference to having you heart be the driving force in your decision making is not only corny but is also a very stupid idea. My heart does not know what is best for it. I think it often doesn't even comprehend what it wants.

I'm finding more and more as time goes by that I need to, through my spirit, discipline my heart with the Word of God. Through this I can bring it into alignment not only with reality but with God's heart, which is by far the most satisfying place it can be in.

So don't follow your heart... follow God's Spirit and discipline your heart accordingly. You heart is not meant to be the decision maker. It's meant to compliment and empower the decisions already made.

Today you can either let your heart drag you around town, or you can have it on a leash following your spirit as you follow the Lord.

Blind Faith

I find that I start questioning the Lord whe my circumstances are bad. Kind of like how Job did. It's in the times when there is no sight that I need to press in faith all the more. By sight it seems like my walk with the Lord is doing terrible. I mean constantly everyday I am asking people to pray for me (not a bad thing) but it makes me feel like I'm constantly "messing up". If that's even possible for me to do...

But I need to base my trust (faith) in God off of what his word says. He said that these trials I'm in are producing patience, and that patience is doing a perfect work within me. By sight it seems/feels like he's almost abandoned me. I don't feel his presence, day in and day out I fight with sorrow in my heart. Not the easiest thing to admit to but there you have it.

I need to have blind faith, cause sight will only make me question his word. The things that have been made and will ever be made is founded on his word. With his Word he created everything that is. So obviously his Word has authority over all things. If he told a moutain to become a valley... NOTHING can prevent his Word from coming to pass.

So if God says that if I trust in him and lean not upon my own understanding, and in all ways acknowledge him, he will direct my paths. Than no matter how lost I feel in the transition. He will guide my steps! If I keep my eye's on Christ and not me than he will perfect my faith. If I trust my God to answer my prayers and not my ability, God will produce his kingdom here on this earth.

Today I will have blind faith cause my eye's, heart, and mind decieve me this mornning

Thy Will be Done!

We often pray "Thy Kingdom come and thy will be done" but do we fully understand what we are asking. What does it mean for his kingdom to come? What does it fully mean for HIS will to be done.

I have many dreams and aspirations that I desire to happen in my life. Some are from the Lord and some are from me. I pray that as I read his word that it'd cut and divide out and seperate his will from mine. Anyways, one of my dreams is to have a job that would provide for my own financial needs and have enough to provide for others in their need. It's a really deep desire within me... but God's will for my life right now is to not have a really good job, to not have enough money to provide for others. Instead I'm actually needing to borrow money from others.

Not exactly what I'd percieve to be glorifying to him but who am I to complain about what he has given me. His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. His ways are higher than mine. My mother was getting amazed at how blessed I am with awesome friends that will help me out with money and give me rides when I need them. It took me being broke and my car breaking down for her to see, but none the less she saw it. I don't really consider this suffering for Christ's sake. It's more laying down my wants and desires for his. His are so much better! That's why I can't exactly say it's "suffering" for Christ.

As I submit more and more to his will, the more he'll be glorified as his foolishness will confound the wisdom of this earth. I feel that it's like the breaking of a dam. Right now nothing seems to happen but the more I submit to his will the more the pressure builds. Then one day that dam is going to break and a flood will come. This flood will be glorious to see. In that day I'll be able to declare the works of the Lord in my life. As people see his glory shine through my life they will say "surely this is the work of God". I don't desire my life to be a great but for it to inspire greatness in those who see it. That it'd stir people to lay their lives down in submission to a God that is good to all who trust in him. For that is better than any treasure this earth can yield. Stirring people to Love God... there just isn't anything better! Nothing compares to blessing the one who has eternaly blessed me.

So this is for those who have unmet dreams and desires. God may one day provide for them. Some are never meant to happen cause it's not the best... but! His dreams and desires are so amazing. If you desire joy and peace, then thank God and continue to submit to what he's doing. I know it sometimes seems unfair as you see others enjoy what you are waiting or longing for, but God has something great for you. Something greater than what your longing for! You just have to endure the wilderness. Endure with faith, cause just as the sun sets it is sure to rise! He'll take your mourning and weeping, and turn them into laughter and rejoicing. So be patient... for God is patient with you.

Continue to pray for his Kingdom to come and his will to be done. It might take you through roads you don't want to go down, but you won't regret it! Not one bit.